A Day At The Park

Hi folks,

As promised, meet the Editor, Bailey. Not the prettiest of God's creatures. He's looking even worse than usual today as his colon is still a bit tender after his stuff-up on my last blog!! Myself, below, still the handsome debonair swine that I usually look, occasionally find it difficult to look him in the eye as you, quite often can't tell which end you're looking at! He is a darling though, particularly when he's asleep.

Well, down to business. Had a day in the park the other day. The old fart has been practising his guitar playing and "singing" (sounded like a wolf  with its knackers in a mincer) so it was good to get away and meet the gang. We are known locally as the GASC. (Grampian Arse Sniffing Crew) Don't get mixed up thinking we're a boy band. Far from it. We would like to stress we're nothing to do with SYCO. We're just a bunch of canines who meet, sniff each others jacksies (like humans shaking hands but more hygienic) and discuss the antics of our "owners". First one there is usually 'Lippy'. He's a lurcher with a hare lip (no pun intended) and slightly blind. He got the lip chasing a motorbike thinking it was a hare and got mixed up with the wheel and the pavement. He can't go Bark Bark like the rest of us, he goes Mark Mark. Sad, really, but a top arse sniffer.Then there's Stan, his owner is Polish and his real name is unpronounceable, its like 15 consonants and only one vowel, and he's a Pekingese. Uglier than my editor and 6 times noisier. Limited in his abilities. We've got a Whippet(Brian) who was born in Sunderland and misses the smell of leeks, totally nervous and runs a mile if he sees a worm. He never stands still long enough to sniff anything. Numbnuts is a boxer, younger than the rest of us, can't sit still for two minutes. He's a couple of pixels short of a J peg if you ask me. He thinks an itchy fanny is a Japanese motorbike. He's a big daft laddie that eats furniture apparently. Last time we met he showed us his hip hop and break dancing. Looked more like he was being tasered. Occasionally we are joined on the fringe of our activities by a strange scruffy creature who professes to be a Mexican Hairless Dog. We tend to keep him at a distance as it looks more like a flee and mite infestation. He never smiles............ only scratches. Our ex police Alsation Simon wants to get him into a cell, during police brutality week, and give him a good whacking with his baton. He says you can never be too careful. He thinks he may have snuck into the country in a truck from Libya and doesn't have any hair because he's been bombed a few times. He does have a faraway look in his eyes at times!!!

The shocking news this week is that Numbnuts is going to the vets to get nutted. Daft twat thinks its a new game. He won't be running around for a few days that's for sure. Having been through it myself a few years ago at the hands of the head castrater, Charley, I've been giving him some fatherly advice. Told him he's gonna be in a shitload of pain for a few days and have to wear a bucket on his head. Daft git is looking forward to it!!!!!!! Apparently they're a delicacy in Korea! Shame really as he's losing the most intelligent part of him. Stan's owner is going back to Poland next week, some problem with his family allowance not getting paid. Stan is getting stuck in Kennels while he's away. I'll probably see him there as TOF is putting me and Bailey in as well while he goes to a wedding. At least I'll have someone to talk to while I'm there. Stans owner's wife has been a bit nasty to him lately for no real reason. He seems to think she's trying to find her inner cow and really struggling to get a decent result. Stan says she's always been a cow despite the rugby ball sized implants and sagging arse. We all passed a motion declaring we feel sorry for Stan!! Bless him, he did appreciate it.
                    I'm afraid I have to get away now. I'm booked in for a Brazilian (that's not FIFA bribery talk by the way) before I go into Kennels. A guy has to look his best when he goes on holiday.
















                                                                               

Of Soaps and "Celebs. "

Hi people, and indeed, fans, dare I say. I'm pleased you find my ramblings (product of a diseased mind) somewhat entertaining. I intended to have another photie but my editor, Bailey the Persian, stuffed up. I will, in the course of events, be parking one of my paws a couple of inches up his colon, just to ginger him up a wee bit and ensure he gets it right in future. I've told him I can get an immigrant moggy to do his job for less biscuits. He does react positively to the odd threat!!

       However. onto this weeks' moan. We watched the annual Soap Awards this week. Thank God it's an annual event and not more

regular. The soaps themselves are bad enough but to watch them getting some sort of present for doing them, well I don't know. It was, however, sad to see Deirdre Barlow and Jim Branning had departed. Things can only get worse when you lose two stalwarts like them. But don't they go on when they get up on their hind legs and start thanking the bleeding universe! Just take that lump of whatever it was and leg it. At least none of them got so carried away they did a back flip to celebrate like Madge did!!! Now that was class!!!!! On a personal note, Me and the editor tend to only watch Emmerdale. Corrie is too far fetched now, totally unbelievable, Eastenders is so depressing, and the whispering gruff voices, (sounds like they've all got a bug). Bring back Dr Legge I say, he'd soon cure them. Mind you, if this soap was shown in Calais, it would turn most of these hopeful illegals away. Who wants to live in an environment like that. If this is London, I'm away back to Italy!!!! I believe there is a magazine dedicated purely to soap programmes. Deep joy!! Don't they think we suffer enough? Some bright spark said on telly a while ago that soaps are a form of escapism. Poor sods if they feel they have to escape to that. There is no doubt that they do work hard on these things and cover modern day issues, but there are too many really. Why not put on something different like Crufts replays. Mind you, there's bound to be a fair lump of skullduggery behind the facade there no doubt. But no Labradooles, sprockets or any of that ilk.

        To be honest, being a writer of some note, I do feel that telly is going down the tubes. There are more adverts than programmes, and more repeats than adverts. It's getting more like the US. Most people, I believe, record watchable programmes so they can cut out the adverts. When there is a watchable programme that is. Take these "reality" programmes. Whose yardstick for reality are they using. All these oddities from Essex and Chelsea clothed in the sort of sartorial elegance you can only buy in Rochdale, during the hours of darkness, and bleating about their problems and failed romances and any amount of crap. These are titled "Celebrities". It's enough to give you an impacted anal gland!!!!

Who dreams these things up, and what's more to the point, who watches them? Then there are these "Shore" programmes. Young people pissed as bandits puking up in every colour of the rainbow, showing their arses to all and sundry, and some of them really should be covered up, and this is supposed to be what the great British public want to watch!! Times really are a changing. Big Brother! My liver, it's like a labour party dinner. The things some morons do for money. Then they become celebrities. What a vastly overused word that is. They have no acting skills or training, they don't sing, they have no particular celebrity assets. they degrade the people who are celebrities And don't get me started on the use of the word (Diva). Shirley Bassey is a diva, Tina Turner,Celine Dion, Cher, Kiri Tekanuwa, Lesley Garret, these are divas. Not these "reality" people. Mostly, they look like they are in the process of coughing up a fur ball when they're trying to act. Can't

 Simon Cowell do anything with them, such as sign them up for Mogadishu's Got Talent!!!!!!

          Well folks, it's time to hit the sack, need a leak first and its a howling gale outside, but needs must. If I don't, TOF will do me a mischief with his mallet. Life is NOT always a beach.

                                    Barney.

                          

   Hi there people. I'm Barney, the cool looking dude on the left,  just about to start my blogging career at the tender age of 10. For those less knowledgeable I am one of Gods finest creations, the Jack Russell terrier. We are, as a breed, a sort of mongrel, but with lines linked to the aristocracy, which doesn't mean we.ve been interbreeding!!! We are a proud family with a character that scares the living crap out of burglars, postmen, Jehovah's Witnesses and other such itinerants, vagrants, painted mimes and jugglers. Some say we're unpredictable, but never boring.

I live in SNP land with my adopted family. His nickname is TOF (the old fart ) and her name is Luv I think. I am quite switched on but would tend to drop the occasional bollock if TOF  hadn't had them torn from my body at a very young age. I think the swine ate them for his supper on toast!!! 

         I,m new to this game of blogging, it's all very strange to me, with all this facetwat and twitter and other such modern ways of communicating.Thankfully, Auntie Lauren got me up and running. I can remember when people talked!!! I hope to do a weekly journal on subjects dear to my heart and other peoples. For instance, we Jack Russells are professional mongrels and proud of it, but have you seen what's on the scene these days.My God, the names they have. Jackahuahua, Labradoodle, Sprocker and other such fancy names. Apparently they are very expensive as well. They're mongrels, OK, new age expensive mongrels but still mongrels. You wouldn't get me near a chiwa--chihuw, one of them bloody little Mexican gits. They've got teeth at both ends and are very opinionated. It seems like one pedigree hound got close and personal with another pedigree hound and all of a sudden, the weird looking fruit of that ill-gotten union are valuable!!! I don't think so. I don't see a film called 101 labradoodles on the cards in Hollywood!!!!! Maybe in Holyrood but not Hollywood.Mind you, they would quickly be elevated to celebrity status. It seems to be the thing these days on TV and magazines. It appears that anyone can be a celebrity, don't seem to require a lot of brains. I suppose there are mongrels in all walks of life really. I'm signing off now, need a pee. Thanks for listening or whatever, catch you next weekend with another rant.

                                                               Barney.