Sunday 7 June 2015

A Day At The Park


Hi folks,
As promised, meet the Editor, Bailey. Not the prettiest of God's creatures. He's looking even worse than usual today as his colon is still a bit tender after his stuff-up on my last blog!! Myself, below, still the handsome debonair swine that I usually look, occasionally find it difficult to look him in the eye as you, quite often can't tell which end you're looking at! He is a darling though, particularly when he's asleep.
Well, down to business. Had a day in the park the other day. The old fart has been practising his guitar playing and "singing" (sounded like a wolf  with its knackers in a mincer) so it was good to get away and meet the gang. We are known locally as the GASC. (Grampian Arse Sniffing Crew) Don't get mixed up thinking we're a boy band. Far from it. We would like to stress we're nothing to do with SYCO. We're just a bunch of canines who meet, sniff each others jacksies (like humans shaking hands but more hygienic) and discuss the antics of our "owners". First one there is usually 'Lippy'. He's a lurcher with a hare lip (no pun intended) and slightly blind. He got the lip chasing a motorbike thinking it was a hare and got mixed up with the wheel and the pavement. He can't go Bark Bark like the rest of us, he goes Mark Mark. Sad, really, but a top arse sniffer.Then there's Stan, his owner is Polish and his real name is unpronounceable, its like 15 consonants and only one vowel, and he's a Pekingese. Uglier than my editor and 6 times noisier. Limited in his abilities. We've got a Whippet(Brian) who was born in Sunderland and misses the smell of leeks, totally nervous and runs a mile if he sees a worm. He never stands still long enough to sniff anything. Numbnuts is a boxer, younger than the rest of us, can't sit still for two minutes. He's a couple of pixels short of a J peg if you ask me. He thinks an itchy fanny is a Japanese motorbike. He's a big daft laddie that eats furniture apparently. Last time we met he showed us his hip hop and break dancing. Looked more like he was being tasered. Occasionally we are joined on the fringe of our activities by a strange scruffy creature who professes to be a Mexican Hairless Dog. We tend to keep him at a distance as it looks more like a flee and mite infestation. He never smiles............ only scratches. Our ex police Alsation Simon wants to get him into a cell, during police brutality week, and give him a good whacking with his baton. He says you can never be too careful. He thinks he may have snuck into the country in a truck from Libya and doesn't have any hair because he's been bombed a few times. He does have a faraway look in his eyes at times!!!
The shocking news this week is that Numbnuts is going to the vets to get nutted. Daft twat thinks its a new game. He won't be running around for a few days that's for sure. Having been through it myself a few years ago at the hands of the head castrater, Charley, I've been giving him some fatherly advice. Told him he's gonna be in a shitload of pain for a few days and have to wear a bucket on his head. Daft git is looking forward to it!!!!!!! Apparently they're a delicacy in Korea! Shame really as he's losing the most intelligent part of him. Stan's owner is going back to Poland next week, some problem with his family allowance not getting paid. Stan is getting stuck in Kennels while he's away. I'll probably see him there as TOF is putting me and Bailey in as well while he goes to a wedding. At least I'll have someone to talk to while I'm there. Stans owner's wife has been a bit nasty to him lately for no real reason. He seems to think she's trying to find her inner cow and really struggling to get a decent result. Stan says she's always been a cow despite the rugby ball sized implants and sagging arse. We all passed a motion declaring we feel sorry for Stan!! Bless him, he did appreciate it.
                    I'm afraid I have to get away now. I'm booked in for a Brazilian (that's not FIFA bribery talk by the way) before I go into Kennels. A guy has to look his best when he goes on holiday.